_I Am Transreal_ : [part 2] [_Augmentology.com_]

_I am Transreal_: A Reflection On/Of Becoming Dragon [Part 2]

I am becoming something else. In this moment, this being-in-transition,
I am willfully stepping into the unknown. I am between realities. I can
only imagine what I want to become, and then choose to become that new
thing, but it is radically ungraspable, inconceivable. I can never know
the reality of what I am choosing to become, desiring to become. My
decision to transform can never be the right one, because it is always
based on an illusion, a fantasy, a false conception with only a few
points of data, not the rich details of an embodied life. As the
transformation unfolds, those unknown events begin to occur, like seeing
my breasts in the mirror for the first time after shaving my chest
closely, feeling the movement in my orgasm change into something new or
just walking down the street for a moment as a girl, unnoticed and not
needing any special attention. My decision to become something else is
always a decision to become mythopoetic, because the reality of the new
state is always unknown, imaginary, a construct, a fantasy. Yet I don’t
seek to decry this radical state of uncertainty but to embrace it. The
very moments of everyday perception are also simply intersections of a
real materiality with my symbolic and imaginary processing engines
making sense of them, down to the way that I understand what pleasure is
and what pain is and when the two become too close so as to be confused.
And a choice to not transform is of course still a choice to transform
into a different state, as our bodies are all in permanent transition,
aging, training, consuming, producing, perceiving, creating new folds in
our craniums.

Through this process, I am also becoming an artist. Yet this is simply
another fantasy which I use to structure my desires and find direction.
Artist, porn star, student, professor, father, mother, husband, wife,